Epic Evil Dream-Ghost Attack FAIL!

I recently read a book titled, "Walking in on mum and dad: Adventures in embarrassment" by Brian King. Before I say anything else, let me tell you that I am one of the lucky kids NEVER to have walked in on ANYONE doing anything that would scar my psyche. However, during one of my nostalgic trips to the past, I did have a sudden realization (as follows).

When I was little... let's say around three years old or so, I had nightmares. Because I have always wanted to try and make sense out of the world, I naturally assumed that nightmares were coming from OUTSIDE me. This is because there's no way that I would have inflicted them on myself. So, they had to be like evil ghosts that floated around the world, swimming in the ocean of night-time... along with other types of sleep-ghosts, like good dreams, neutral dreams, strange dreams, pee-pee dreams... you get the idea.

So, a sleeping brain, like a baited hook, drifts into the nightly ocean realm to bob about until it "catches" one of these dream-ghosts. Sometimes you catch a good one, sometimes not. My goal at night was to figure out how to keep from catching the wrong type of dream. At first, I thought it was just a random catch. But over time, because I seemed to be having so many bad dreams, I started to think they were out to get me. Yes. I knew that the evil dream-ghosts were hunting me.

One night, while I pondered this problem, I decided to picture what it must be like for these evil-hunter-dream-ghosts in their dark sleep-realm. My tiny brain was not really up to the task of logical thinking, but fortunately for me, it was also too young to know how bad it was at thinking. So here are some of my "deductions" that guided me to a solution (some relevant to that deduction, some not):

1. Because it is ONLY POSSIBLE for ghost-dreams to attack AT NIGHT, I figured they couldn't see very well. Hey, who CAN see well in the dark, right?! (Totally missing the point that night was when I slept...)
   
   
2. Because the bad dreams really never bothered me until recently, I figured that the first bad-dream ghost must have found me by accident and because my juicy young veal-brain was so delicious, it alerted its sibling bad-dream ghosts to let them know how to find me. Sort-of like the honey-bee dance... but for evil bad-dream ghosts.
   
   
3. I never had the same bad dream twice, so when my brain "ate" the bad-dream, it must make one less bad dream out there for someone else to have.
   
   
4. Once a dream is dreamt, it doesn't leave my brain to swim around in the dream ocean. I know this because I can still remember the dream... so it's still inside my head, only not as scary since it's gotta live with me now.

5. If the bad-dream ghosts cannot see very well, and it's only a one-way trip into my head, they must know only one path to get to me.
   
   
6. There must be a way that the bad dreams get into my head from the outside. So this is got to be a path that is always open. Obviously, then, it has to be my nose. Think about it. My eyes are closed, so no dreams can get in that way. I can sleep with my mouth in the pillow or on my arm. My ears are easy to cover because one is usually in the pillow, while the other is covered with a blanket. (To this day, I can't sleep without even a light sheet covering my ear.) The only entry is my nose because I keep it out of the covers like a snorkel.
   
   
7. I sleep on my right side for the most part. This means that the ghost dreams found a specific way into my head. This way MUST be from my left, since that's the direction my nostrils open up to.. AHA! I was like Sherlock Holmes figuring these suckers out! I was about to beat them completely!
   
   
8. Because I am not asleep right away when I get to bed, the dreams must have to time their arrival just right. The world is big, so they probably have to start swimming toward my nose early in the day to get to my nose when it is open to them (i.e., when I am sleeping).
   
   
9. SOLUTION: Start my sleep as usual, on my right ear. But, just at the last minute, flip over and face the other way! HAH! Epic Evil Dream-Ghost Attack FAIL! Now they can't find a way in because all they will do is bonk against the back of my head! Hahahahahahahahah!
   
   
10. FATAL FLAW: Just because it's a one-way street to my brain, that doesn't mean they can't go in the exact opposite direction. Yes, it occurred to me that maybe they could just turn around and go in a straight line the other way - around the Earth - to get in the other way! Not to worry! Because the Earth is so big, I knew it would take them MORE time to go around the other way than I would be asleep. Besides, half-way through the night, I could just turn over and look back the other way. They wouldn't know this, and if there were any speedy evil ghost-dream swimmers, they'd just end up hitting the back of my head again!

Surprisingly, this actually worked! No more bad dreams! I was such a monkey-tard. But at least now that you know about little Stevie's baby-logic, I can get to my point.

A few years ago I was pondering those early days of crisp logical feats of deduction and wondered about what it must have been to set me off on these nightmares. I think I figured it out! It was a four-stage sequence of revelations that made me wish I hadn't been so nostalgic that day.

1. In this stage, I recalled that when I went to bed, I would like to stare up at the window in my bedroom because either the moonlight (streetlight?) usually brought in a good amount of light. My bedroom window also faced out to a street that wasn't used much at night (Kingsbury Avenue). But occasionally, a car would drive by and I could hear its engine as well as its tires on the road as it passed by.

2. Recalling that, it suddenly popped into my head that the road my window faced was a hill that dropped down into a dark scary wooded area. It was scary especially because we hardly ever drove that way. It was leading away from everything we would need (stores, school, relatives, etc.). And when I was a kid, that was enough information for me to know that if a witch or a unicorn or a dragon, or whatever were to pass by, it would have to come from THAT direction.

3. The previous revelation reminded me about the gypsy wagon that used to pass by my house at night! It was probably right after watching the movie Pinocchio that I started to imagine gypsies traveling the streets at night with their wagons of possessions hunting mis-behaving little boys (remember when Pinocchio gets captured in the wagon?). That, plus my grandmother's occasional threats of what would happen if I didn't behave ("If you don't behave, I'm going to sell you back to the gypsies!" - nice huh?).

4. My final train of thinking brought me to wonder what the hell could it have been that would work its way slowly up the road at night sounding like a gypsy wagon with bouncing tins and clomping hoof-stomps, and squeaking springs, and... well right about here, I also recalled that my parents' bedroom was right next to mine. It is easy to understand how a kid with his ears under the covers could mistake the origins of these sounds.

So, while I never walked IN on anything... the gypsies apparently took me for a ride BY something.

There is no blowtorch powerful enough to burn the memory of gypsy wagons from my mind now. What was once, up until a few short years ago, a pleasant childhood reminiscence of a silly fear... has taught me that those damn evil dream-ghosts CAN get you when you are awake!

Can you smell that...?

You may have heard about a website called "Rate My Professors"? It is a handy way for students to complain or praise their professors for others to read. Did you ever hear about the one called "Rate My Students"? Well I understand the domain is for sale, but there is no actual content there. Hmm, why could that be?

1. Students like to whine more than professors? No, I do not think THAT'S true (trust me).
2. Maybe professors just haven't THOUGHT about it? Well, maybe, but I doubt it. Really, most know that it would be ILLEGAL to post such information about students in a public setting like that without student consent... and would students consent to that? Doubt it.
3. Professors do not NEED a web-presence to bitch and complain about students? Well, I will stop with this one as it is closest to what I believe may be true.

There is an element of frustration when someone else has YOUR fate in their hands. Especially when you believe they may be manipulating your fate in ways you do not like. So, one outlet is to complain anonymously (i.e., safely) on the web; knowing that other members of your cohort AND possibly even the professor, will get to read about it.

True, some students justify their online complaints by also posting favorable reviews of OTHER professors as well. This probably makes them feel as though their complaints are "balanced" or "justified" rather than biased. After all, if all students did was complain about professors, then that would seem like a personal problem. But by giving positive reviews (sometimes), it helps to make a person feel that their complaints are more valid/honest/etc.

Ok, whatever... this page isn't about all THAT stuff, though. Instead, I'd like to direct you attention to the idea that most professors have been doing the teaching gig for a LOT longer than you have been a student. They also SEE a lot more students than you see professors. For example, in the years that I've been here, I see an average of about 100 brand-new student faces in my classrooms EVERY semester!

Believe me, we have SEEN it all, we have HEARD it all... You might THINK you are fooling your professor with some excuse. You see them smile warmly and sympathetically, and give you that extension, or accept this excuse... But most likely, they don't care. Teaching is a lot of work. If a student is THAT committed to a lie (or exaggeration) in order to "get away with" missing class or getting an extension, then fine. We can turn our attention to the students who are there for an education (rather than waste extra time on those who are there just for their degree).

BUT KEEP IN MIND, someday, if ANY student thinks that he or she might need a letter of recommendation for graduate school, or for a job, they should keep in mind that professors are under NO obligation to LIE about you in their letter!

MOST professors will probably avoid the ugly truth, though, merely by omitting those from the letter. The result being a very brief letter along the following lines:

To whom it may concern, I have been asked to write a letter of support for STUDENT who I have known since ________ as I have had STUDENT in ________ classes. These classes included, CLASS-1, ..., CLASS-n, and STUDENT performed adequately in MOST/ALL of them earning a mean grade of about ________ on a 4.0 scale. If you should require any additional information, please do not hesitate to contact me. Sincerely, Professor Name

Not much to say, really. But that was a student who really didn't say much in class anyway. The professor clearly does not really know the student. This is unfortunate. Most of the places (graduate schools or potential employers) are looking for information about reliability, aptitude, ability to take on challenging tasks, potential for success, communication skills, etc. These can sometimes be extracted from course work, but only rarely and probably never ALL qualities needed to write a good letter. So obviously one point that could be taken from this is to get the professor to know you AND demonstrate the skills and qualities that can be written about you in a strong letter.

BUT MY REAL POINT ONLY BEGINS NOW!

Imagine what the professor COULD (should?) have said if the student engaged in ANY of the following classroom behaviors:

• Often arrives late to class. ("Often" as in: I noticed it a couple of times.) How do you imagine this behavior would look to a potential employer? As far as your professor is concerned, this is the type of employee you would likely be. As far as your professor is concerned, this means you won't take graduate school that seriously either.
• Often packs-up and/or leaves class early. So... why should I hire you (or accept you into my program) again?
• Text-messages, or reads/studies-for an unrelated book/class, talks to neighboring students, (etc.) during my class. Um, yeah, THIS is a good person to hire. THIS person reflects the qualities I'd want from a graduate student... This student would surely be trusted to stay focused on the job, finish a task, pay close attention to detail, etc.
• Only does the bad behaviors (or has a bad attitude) in OTHER classes. The ones that don't matter, right? Yeah, like professors never talk... they NEVER go to a colleague and ask, "Hey, do you know this student? How does this student do in YOUR class?" Yeah, being selective about what classes you slack off in is a REAL good strategy. Best of luck with that! So really, that type of student is NOT to be relied on. Apparently, if they think they can get away with crappy behaviors, they WILL try to behave that way.
  

BOTTOM LINE: Your professors are NOT likely to be your employers or the people who make the final decision as to whether you get into a graduate program or not. However, they ARE key elements to that process. Your letters of reference are not based solely on your grades but can also include the impressions you give to them while you are taking their classes. Should you be worried? Not at all if you would behave the same way in class as you would if your boss or graduate mentor were watching you. Or, think of it the other way, would you want to spend money on employees or give scholarships to graduate students who behaved similarly?

Curing Our Ails!

I am currently in the midst of a semester in which I am "teaching" a course called Psychology of Paranormal Beliefs every Monday evening. Well, we missed one and a half evenings so far due to the weather.

Anyway, it is probably the sixth or seventh time I've taught the class, and I can honestly say I haven't been too thrilled with the way any of them have gone so far. I keep trying new things and ditching old things, and so-few things end up filtering through to be used again next time. But maybe by the 25th teaching I will get the hang of it.

So, what is my "problem" with the course? I wonder about that each time I teach it. I think it has something to do with the above photo. It is a photo of a product (ok, two products, a liquid and a pill) sold in a large-chain supermarket mixed in willy-nilly with an entire bank of cold/flu medicinals. It is expensive... but not seemingly more so than neighboring products. So what's the big deal? Unfortunately, the image may be a bit small and maybe a bit too blurry to identify the TYPE of product it is. On the left, it is described as "homeopathic cough syrup" while on the right, it is described as a "homeopathic medicine".

One of these is certainly a more accurate description than the other. Briefly, the idea of homeopathic "medicine" is that cures require exposure to extremely dilute quantities of substances that mimic the symptoms of whatever it is you want fixed. Indeed, where our traditional medicinal experience is that MORE medicine means MORE of an effect, with homeopathic "medicine" it is the opposite. Yes, the LESS of the critical substance, the MORE of an effect it has. So, roughly, the above pictured "medicines" contain not even a single molecule of the critical substance that is supposed to be helpful. Yes indeed, it must be some mighty powerful stuff!

Oh, want to know what the "critical substance" is that was diluted OUT of the product altogether? It's basically extract of duck liver and heart. Sound kinda like a gross thing to ingest when ill? Again, no big deal since there ISN'T any to be found in the product! So what does between $6.79 and $11.99 buy you? Well, as I said above, the description on the left is more accurate. The only ingredients you will find in THAT one is sucrose, lactose, honey, and water. Yes, in other words, you would be spending more than six bucks on a four-ounce shot of sugar-water! Not thirsty? Well then please feel free to purchase the "medicine" version which comes out to about two bucks a sugar-pill-dosage.

It really bothers me to think that people are throwing away their money on this crap - some knowingly, but SURELY many do so UNKNOWINGLY. If you want to believe that sugar water "remembers" that some duck-liver molecules brushed up against them in the past and will therefore CURE (or in ANY way TREAT) your illness, then FINE! Spend your foolish money! But because this garbage is stuck in the middle of all the other VERY WELL PROVEN treatments, people are going to pick up the box in their stuffy-nosed bleary-eyed quest for relief, see the outrageous CLAIMS on the box, ASSUME they are rigorously and scientifically proven, and throw away their money.

Please, would ALL of the folks who ever end up reading this (if any do), the folks who have a spare $12 that they can discard without a care, PLEASE just send it to me? Actually, just send me half! How's that? Does ANYONE really feel that they can piffle away cash... ever?!

When I have taught the class in the past, I have tried to maintain control over my biases because I really didn't want my students to feel that I was just PUSHING my bias down their eyes and ears. So by the end of the semester, I guess I just wondered if any of the messages really got through. I probably feel that they didn't because stupidity continues to reign in this world. It seems worse every day. Maybe it's always been this bad - but I am only sensitized to it the more I learn about it? Who knows. THIS semester, though, I think I will try being a little more assertive with my "biases" (but I will happily identify them as such when I do - for now).

For those of you who might be offended by my apparent lack of "open-mindedness" let me be blunt: Too f-ing bad! I challenge YOU to demonstrate YOUR open-mindedness! I will gladly accept the homeopathic claims when the testing of and resulting evidence is as good as that supporting scientifically based medical cures. What would it take to change YOUR mind? If you cannot imagine any evidence that would change your mind, then it is clearly already a closed mind.

How do you FIX something like THIS?!

So here I find myself. Ending the much-too-short break between semesters. Rushing to put together the new and improved versions of classes (plus figure out how best to revive a really old one).

Dear Diary,

How are you? I am fine (-ish). Last semester was pretty disappointing (lame) for various reasons. I really really really really really hope that this coming one will be better. It is the SPRING semester and warmer weather is thereby implied. Days are already getting longer and surely those swirls of powdery cold dust will evaporate by morning's light! Or, maybe by next day's morning light? Please?

There must be something in me that is similar to the loss of pain memory that mothers experience after each birth. Ask them within the last few minutes (or hours) of labor, and you will likely hear, "No f%&*ing way will I ever do THAT again!" But after some time passes, they forget the pain (having survived it) and start planning for the next brat-poop.

Lately, each semester seems to end similarly with me having strong negative feelings. So much effort put into the classes, so little apparent gain. Why bother? Then a mere few days passes when the "ideas" start trickling in again... "Maybe if I were to do this next time?" Or, "I should try saying this next time..." And I start getting all geared up for another mother-load of classes. Until by the first quarter of the semester I realize I am doing it again. Teaching is a cruel bitch of a task-master for me. Or maybe I am just a masochist? Or maybe both?

Anyway - here I am, complaining about the end of a break when I still have more than 10 days of it left! I guess that's because I feel that I have so much to do before then. And my motivation? Hmm, that must be around here somewhere... Let's see... where did I leave that?

Good Riddance to 2009!

Not the best of years. Glad to see it go, but I will miss what it takes with it. Unfortunately, I half expect that 2010 might hold additional losses.

My sister wrote a wonderful obituary for my father. Here it is for posterity:

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Wed, Dec 02 2009

Gene V. Paul
PLAISTOW, N.H. — Gene Vincent Paul, adoring husband of Jacquelyn (Hill) (Miller) Paul, dedicated father of Dr. Stephen T. Paul, Pittsburgh, and Jennifer J. (Paul) Perreault, and doting grandfather of Gabrielle J. and Derrek G. Perreault, all of Danville, N.H., died peacefully Sunday night, Nov. 29, 2009 in the comfort of his home with his loving wife by his side.


Gene, longtime resident of Plaistow, and formerly of Newton, was born in Haverhill on March 6, 1941 to the late Clarence V. and Jane H. (Fyfe) Paul. Gene attended Haverhill Public Schools and graduated from Haverhill Trade School. Gene was a proud Mason affiliated with Star of Bethlehem AF&AM, Wakefield, who at one time served as a police officer with the Haverhill Auxiliary Police and the Plaistow Police Department. Prior to developing heart and lung disease, Gene was employed for several years as Lieutenant of Security at Raytheon in West Andover.

Gene, known for his kindness, generosity and storytelling, enjoyed researching his family genealogy, bowling with his league at Academy Lanes in Bradford, fishing with and caring for his grandchildren, watching westerns, crime dramas, and programs about the spirit world. Preferring to listen to country and spiritual music, Gene was an avid collector of Native American decor and memorabilia. Prior to his declining health, Gene enjoyed traveling to Nova Scotia to visit his uncle, and to Pittsburgh to visit his son and daughter-in-law. Gene's greatest joy in the past two years was spending quality time with his wife, Jackie.

In addition to his parents, Gene was predeceased by his first wife of 39 years, Sarah (Sally) A. (Tenney) Paul; and brother, David Paul. Survivors include sisters, Claire (Paul) Hutchinson, Plaistow; Audrey (Paul) McGowen, Dover; and Mary Ellen (Paul) Petit and her husband, Paul, Merrimac; brothers, Redmond (Reggie) Paul and his wife, Sandra, Haverhill; and Donald Paul and his wife, Linda, North Carolina. Additional survivors include daughter-in-law, Cynthia (Kecy) Paul, Pittsburgh; son-in-law, Gary Perreault, Danville; stepchildren, Michael Miller, Exeter, and Terrie (Miller) Clarke and her husband, Leo, Groveland; step-grandchildren, Dr. Lia (Clarke) Sprague and her husband, Matthew, Fremont; Pamela Clarke and Amy Clarke of Groveland; step-great-grandchildren, Kagen Clarke, Groveland, Landon Sprague and Aislinn Sprague, Fremont. Gene also leaves several nieces, nephews, cousins, and dear and devoted friends, including Tom and Ann Hansen, Newton; Ray and Rose Guilmet, Salem; and Sandra and Walter Brown, Haverhill; as well as all of his caring friends in his bowling league.

ARRANGEMENTS: Relatives and friends are respectfully invited to his funeral Saturday, Dec. 5, at 11 a.m. at the H.L. Farmer & Sons Funeral Home, 106 Summer St., Haverhill. Calling hours are from 5 to 8 p.m. on Friday, Dec. 4, 2009. Burial will be private at the convience of the family. The family respectfully requests that flowers be omitted in consideration of making a donation in Gene's memory to The American Heart Association (www.americanheart.org), The American Lung Association (www.lungusa.org), The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (www.leukemia.org), local fire emergency rescue departments in Plaistow, Newton, Hampstead, or Danville, N.H., or to the charity of one's choice. Condolences to his family may be made at www.farmerfuneralhomes.com.

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Mixed Messages

I have been reading two very interesting books. I recommend BOTH very much. They are both very easy to read and contain very interesting material that applies to a very wide range of psychological fields; especially cognitive psychology. (I could not think of a way to fit "very" in any more times than that without becoming less artful.)

Here is the information for both books (note that the hardcover of "Brain Rules" includes a DVD, but the less expensive soft-cover edition only supplies links to on-line videos; no DVD):

1. Medina, J. (2008). Brain Rules: 12 Principles for Surviving and Thriving at Work, Home, and School. Seattle, WA: Pear Press.
2. Lilienfeld, S. O., Lynn, S. J., Ruscio, J., & Beyerstein, B. L. (2010). 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology: Shattering Widespread Misconceptions about Human Behavior. Wiley-Blackwell.

My problem has to do with what is widely known as the "Ten Percent Myth" regarding human mental potential. I would be surprised if you hadn't heard about it already. It goes something like, "Humans only use ten percent of their brains. Imagine what we could do if we could harness the power of the remaining 90 percent?!"

When this myth comes up in class, I have always used the ladder analogy as a means of explaining why it is a misleading claim. Imagine you had a ladder with ten rungs on it. You place this ladder against your house to clean the gutters. You climb the ladder and start to work. As it turns out, you are only standing on one rung. Does that mean you are using only ten percent of the ladder? Can you see any benefit to more actively using all of the other rungs for gutter-cleaning? No, and no.

In the "50 myths" book mentioned above, the authors start with this very myth (which they refer to as the "most people only use ten percent of their brain power" myth). Unfortunately, it seems that in their discussion, they (actually, the section is written by Beyerstein, I believe, who passed away before the book was published) have slightly altered my sense of what the myth seems to suggest. Basically, they have interpreted the claim to mean that humans only use ten percent of their brain. This is quickly and clearly revealed to be a silly claim. If it were true that we really only used ten percent of our brains, then that makes 90 percent of our brains nothing more than gooey insulation! Taking an ice-pick (or whatever) to our brains would only cause us harm 10 percent of the time! Clearly not true. It seems like any little brain damage we incur results in hefty mental and/or behavioral fines!

While the Beyerstein approach to attacking the myth is a good one, it attacks a pretty limited interpretation of the claim. My interpretation of the claim is that we are never able to use more than 10-percent of our brain at any given time. Hence, this seems more closely aligned with the way the authors titled the claim themselves (i.e., "brain power" rather than just "brains").

My first argument against this variation of the claim is based on the "how long is a piece of string" analogy. In other words, how can we know what ten percent of the brain is when it comes to processing capacity?! Perhaps based on electrical activity? Imagine what your brain would be like if ALL neurons fired at the same time, and all the time?! Isn't that pretty much a grand description of a grand-daddy of grand mal epileptic seizures? Well zero-percent seems easy enough to measure (DEAD!), but since we can't really know what would really represent 100 percent FUNCTIONAL capacity, how can we know that we are using only 10 percent?! See the problem? It pretty much demonstrates that the claim is just grabbing some arbitrary percentage number out of someone's arbitrary butt-hole.

BUT NOW comes the mixed message.

In Medina's "Brain Rules" book, a portion of my world-view was bitch-slapped by the claim that, "In fact, the human brain cannot simultaneously activate more than 2 percent of its neurons at any one time. More than this, and the glucose supply becomes so quickly exhausted that you will faint." (page 20).

Wow!

Ok, so does that mean that the ten percent myth is wrong because it is really the case that humans can only use TWO percent of their brain at any given time?!

FNA!

NOW it makes me wonder if thinking (brain power) really couldn't be improved by somehow finding a way to artificially increase the blood flow and glucose supply to our skulls!

Would an increase in glucose supply capable of supporting a mere FOUR percent of my brain at any given time DOUBLE my thinking ability?!

I'm going to have to see about getting some clarification here. PLEASE, in the mean time, if anyone out there has some clarifying insight into this… let me know!

Crossing the line

Being a guy married to the same woman for 20+ years would NOT make one an expert in women. However, you'd think it might make a person an expert in that woman. It does not. Rather, it is a constant learning process. Nonetheless, here is a lesson learned that should generalize.

Today I made the interesting observation regarding two argument scenarios. They are similar, but results are not. Scenario one: I tell my wife she is wrong about something and she knows she is right. Scenario two: I tell my wife she is wrong about something and she knows she is wrong, It may seem counter-intuitive (to me alone, perhaps) but scenario one is far better for the relationship than scenario two.

This shouldn't be a surprise to anyone willing to take the other's perspective. I know how much I hate it when my wife (hell, ANYONE) tells me I am wrong and I suddenly realize that they are correct that I am wrong. That really sucks. So the observation isn't so much about women, but about arguments.

The most important concept in research?

This is going to start boring, but I need to build the foundation so you understand why I bring up blackouts, violent rage, drug-use and whatnot.

Another semester ends. Hallelujah! Now my mind can rest for a bit. However, I cannot help but start thinking about next semester already. I will be teaching research methods. As the number of Applied Psychology majors increases, so does the demand for the class. This is both a good and a bad thing. Good is boring though, so I will skip that for why it's bad.

BAD, because this class isn't as effective as numbers increase. Individual attention is really important and students tend to need a lot of it in this class. It requires a more disciplined way of thinking than is typical. In fact, I've had students complain to me later that the way they view the world isn't the same anymore. (It's a joy to hear them add, "But I wouldn't want to go back to my old way of thinking.")

A big deal in the class is when I get to the "most important concept in research" lecture. The answer is "CONTROL!" The methods class is really important to me because I think it contains some of the most valuable learning lessons in college. But maybe I also have a bias…

There were two "incidents" that happened when I was a kid. The first was in kindergarten. (Yes, I was really that young once.) The second was when I was maybe a year or two older. Together they made me afraid of myself. One event was scary, the other was the eye-opener.

The first "incident" occurred when I was waiting in line with the other students to be led out to the waiting vehicles to go home for the day. I had a really really bad crush on a girl who was in line just ahead of me. I probably arranged myself to be there so I could look at her. She had no idea in the world that I even existed. By the way, that's my whole "mating dance" or, as I call it, the Three 'L' approach: I like; I look (not a pervert); I leave. Being way too shy to even talk to her or in any way indicate my interest, I was just waiting for her to read my mind or something. Ok, anyway, "the incident" was that this other little boy (let's call him "Rat-bastard") also apparently liked her, plus Prick-turd (or whatever his name was) seemed very willing to cross the line and even TALK to her! To make things worse, she TALKED BACK to Dinkus (or whatever his name was)! Seeing them carry on like that enraged me! I wasn't mad at her (oddly) but way mad at Fart-face (or whatever his name was). Literally, the next thing I knew, I was sitting on Zit-head (or whatever his name was) and looking at my hand and there was a drop of blood on my fingernail (I must have accidentally scratched the bastard).

I had no idea how I got to where I was. Totally a blank. But while I was wondering about that, little Piss-Pants was crying on the floor underneath me, while the love of my life was looking at me in horror and screaming, "You're crazy!" So much for that love story. At least she now knew that I existed. I guess. To make matters worse, my parents got a phone call from… not Doofus-boy's parents but from HER parents! Apparently, she was so upset that HER parents had to call my parents and rat me out. Very humiliating. Thank goodness the rest of my life would be free of embarrassment, drama, and pain.

Incident number 2, about the same time (actually a few years later), was that I was playing in my room and banged my head on the edge of the bed. It hurt so bad that I wished I knew some really good swear words other than "poop" or "kaka". My blood boiled ("Hulk no like pain") and my first thought was to go find my sister and hit her as though she were at fault for my boo-boo. Instantly, when I became aware of the stupidity of that line of reasoning my anger disappeared and I realized that I was being like my dad (or at least what I thought of was him back then).

My father worked two jobs and didn't really spend much time with us. When he got angry he would explode in rage. Really scary, but he never took it out on us physically - but things would get broken, thrown, smashed, stomped, etc. in the house when he was on his rampage. I didn't like it (nobody seemed to) and I really didn't want to be like that. SO I decided (with throbbing head) to try to NOT be that way.

It occurred to me recently, that ever since these little-kid incidents, I have tried to avoid any situation that would put me at risk of losing control. I never drink alcohol, have never done drugs, try not to make myself noticeable to others so they won't instigate a reaction, and so forth. If I have a task to accomplish, I hate relying on others because that means portions of MY task are no longer under MY control! Gosh! I live in fear that I might start sleepwalking some day! Yikes! Who knows what I might do!? That's my fear. Loss of control.

So, it is no wonder that I cherish this upcoming research methods class. The scientific method thrives on control. It's what I try to live by! CONTROL!

Oh, yeah! Also, just to give you a real glimpse of my juvenile mind! There was a phase I went through when I really believed that all a person needed to do was really focus and practice their psychic talents to get them to work. So the "talent" I was trying to develop was teleportation! Wouldn't that be cool! (There's even a great book about that: "Jumper" by Steven Gould - the movie sucked.) Anyway, I stopped trying to develop that skill all of a sudden when a thought occurred to me in the shower one day. I realized that such a skill could mean that I might teleport somewhere by accident. You know how sometimes you do something without thinking, well what if, while I was soaking wet in a pool (or in the shower) I thought about being at the north or south pole and suddenly teleported there?! I'd freeze to death in seconds! Or worse, imagine that you were in the middle of answering nature's call and BAM, you thought about being at the mall?! See? This would be a very dangerous or embarrassing loss of control.

So the reason I am not a super-hero teleporter today is because of my fear of losing CONTROL!

Body Language, or, Pagliacci's Lament

So . . . here I am. Actually, that's me on the left (age 5 or so), the "ghost" on the right is my sister (probably around age 3). Don't be fooled by the smiles on our faces, they masked a pathos beyond our years. Actually, I believe my sister expresses our feelings pretty well in her body language. You can see the fatalism symbolized in her sad little hands resting on her tiny lap.

I suppose it wasn't as bad as it could have been. We were dressed for a Halloween outing. Imagine if my mother liked dressing us up this way on other days.

Despite our deep yearning for real costumes (you know, those store-bought kinds with the plastic masks that instantly slicken and stick against the mouth and face with excited breath-moisture), they were years away when this photo was taken.

At this point, I have a terrible -shameful- secret to reveal. I was the type of kid who, when tired, hungry, insulted, or slighted by my mother, I would resort to outbursts of crying in the hopes of publicly humiliating her. Not dad, though. He would have had no problem publicly humiliating me with a spank-around-the posy. That's the one where he holds you by one hand, high over your head, while trying to swat your butt with the other. It looks a bit like an impromptu merry-go-round interpretive dance; spinning slowly in a circle while you try to run away from the spanking; jumping and leaping.

Because society tends not to tolerate displays of violence practiced on brat-children (except perhaps in private), mom had to find her own clever solution. Her approach was to take away what little remaining dignity and power a small crying child has in this situation.

The whole point of crying is to attack the person you are targeting. The attack is supposed to go one of two ways. One way is to make the adult feel terrible for having caused such a precious angel to cry; a universal success whenever blood is present. In the absence of blood, this technique only really works on strangers or relatives who don't know you so well. It will fail when used against parents. So, with parents, that only leaves the second attack strategy. In this case, crying only has a chance to work in very limited settings. Specifically, you need settings where it is really embarrassing to have a crying and screaming child present. Such as, church, supermarkets, check-out lines, airplanes, and so on. Basically, anyplace public that has lots of adults.

My clever mother found a way to defuse this second attack. Effectively. Permanently. This was the "Fat Man" or "Little Boy" of the parent-child war of the wills. She simply placed her hand over my mouth, then removed it; and . . . repeat. The effect is instantaneous. The most annoying sound in the world (crying brat) converted into a ridiculous bleat is enough to make the most stern bank manager you can imagine bust a gut. Playing the crying-child-bagpipe will stop a crying child from crying. The child sees his or her attack flipped judo-like back on them and turned into an entertainment for adults. Their only move is to retreat; withhold the entertainment by shutting down the crying so the adult cannot "play the pipes" any more.

So, that's my mother. How does this relate to the photo? Well, being a kid, one has very little power over the situation. Every Halloween I had a choice. I could either let my mother shove my head into a ridiculous pillowcase and go get free candy, or, I could stay home. You see my (our) choice above.

One consolation we had, though, was that we were allowed to pick out our own Halloween bags. Sadly, and despite our yearly optimism, they were never more than 10-15 percent filled by the end of the evening.

My Cat Thinks That I Am Mentally Retarded

Way back in August of 1996, we went to an animal shelter in Starkville Mississippi. The goal was to select a kitten to join our family (which was my wife, two dogs, and me at the time). The shelter was unimpressive and a bit run down. Probably true of any no-kill shelter trying to maintain a workable budget. Nonetheless, they had the usual assortment of puppies and kittens, cats and dogs. We had to shield our eyes from the sight of any puppy or dog as we were already at the limit there, and we wouldn't want to see any "must-haves" in that department.

There was a good-sized cage against the wall that had a BUNCH of kittens of every size and color. Some were sleeping head beneath haunch of others. There were some little gray, yellow, and white long-hair kittens trying to teach themselves hunting skills. Four kittens were sitting sphinx-style looking cool. One was (mostly) on a small ledge with head and paws hanging over the edges trying to look tough, and I think there was a little tiger-kitty in the back smoking.

Cute though they all may have been, there was only ONE kitten that was CLEARLY looking to get sprung. This was a yellow-and-white striped, big-eyed scrawny puff of a kitten. He was meowing like he knew us from somewhere and had jumped onto the front of the cage grabbing it with three paws so he could reeeeeach out with his front left paw at us and beg that we would PLEASE take him away! The desperation of his meows made it very clear to us that he already loved us and never wanted to be separated from us like this again. Very, very cute.

Ok, so we asked if we could hold the cute little tiger kitty please. Although I didn't notice it then, the workers seemed to fall over each other to get to the cage door and let this one out for adoption. Like a coat hung on the closet door, his little body swung out on the cage door he had been clinging to. To make things even cuter, he looked over his shoulder in surprise (now that I know him better, it was probably confusion) by the whole concept of what had happened. A moment ago, his prison was behind him. Now, behind him was freedom. It was his golden opportunity to escape, but, the wheels are a little slow in a kitten, so he was easily pried from the cage (still meowing, though - THAT never stopped).

We held him and he held us. (Still meowing.)

Hmm, noisy isn't he? Well, it must be that he's in kitty-jail. Once he gets a proper home, surely he'll simmer down.

As we were pondering this yellow and white striped mouth of a kitten, our eyes happened upon a medium sized all-black short hair cat hiding in the back of another cage. She was so timid and wide-eyed-silent that we couldn't resist the contrast with the little yellow fire-siren we were holding. Fools that we were (are?), we decided to adopt both.

We got them home in good time because the meows from our little bundle of auditory joy sounded like an ambulance and all the traffic pulled over for us. (That was only a slight exaggeration, by the way.) Once released into the wilderness of our humble domicile, "Serena" (the quiet sweet noiseless little hushed black silent kitty) scurried to a hiding spot somewhere. Our motor-mouth kitty, on the other hand, immediately started checking out the new digs. He went from room to room, meowing continuously. After a few days, this constant noise concerned us enough to check with the vet. Apparently, he's just a "talker".

Living in Mississippi, we had a greater-than-usual potential for sudden and violent storms. So, the community had multiple tornado-sirens that were tested every week. This was scary when we first moved there because it sounded like an air-raid alarm but we didn't really know what it was. These alarms have an urgency to them that easily sounds like the alarm that people would chose to signal that the world was about to come to an end.

Based on our new kitten's vocalization talents, we decided to name him "Tornado-Siren" (my wife's idea, actually - but I think she was just joking at first). We call him "Tony" for short (if you want the long version, he'll yell it at you).

Tony's curiosity and timing have become legend in our house. Somehow, this one knows when there is a new or freshly opened container, box, bag, suitcase, toolbox, package, closet, drawer, window, or door (even if it is only open for three seconds). I haven't known what it is like to wear clothes that don't have hair on them for years. Little yellow hairs materialize INSIDE packages that have never even been OPENED yet! When I wake up in the morning, I have at least one kitty-hair in at least one of my nostrils, eyes, ears, or in my mouth.

Did I mention that Tony is a talker? It's been over ten years and he STILL has something to say about everything. He's always on the wrong side of any closed door. When it comes to a closing door, he rushes to get TO the door, but then dilly-dallies just at the edge (meowing, of course) so you don't know if he really wanted to go through or come out or whatever.

I've heard people say that, "Oh, I once had a cat that liked to talk. You get used to it, it's not that bad." But when they come to visit, they pull me aside to ask, "Is everything alright with your cat? He's been doing an awful lot of crying." Actually, because there's company, that tends to distract Tony and he's usually more quiet than normal. So all I can reply is, "Welcome to my world." NOBODY really understand the NOISE this cat puts out until they've lived with him for a week. You will NOT sleep well, I promise. We figure that Tony likes the sound of his own voice. That much is clear. But let me tell you why Tony must think I'm mentally deficient.

There are two things that Tony wants very badly. (1) Food with gravy. (2) To go outside. (Ok, three things, if you count hearing himself sing.) We can handle the diet part of his crying (sometimes we can distract him with some kitty-weed [aka catnip]). But the "outside" issue is not to be resolved. He is too stupid (my opinion, not my wife's) and submissive to last out there. He will NOT protect himself. The dogs have their way with him and he has lost tufts of fur and received little punctures but has NEVER hissed or scratched to defend himself. Occasionally, our neighbor (the little lady who you see in the Tweety-Bird cartoons) will leash him up and take him out for a walk. Otherwise, he's an indoor kitty for life. But I digress…

Tony will walk the house complaining that he isn't eating or isn't outside (even though nobody is around to listen). When he catches me in the kitchen, though, he punches up his meows. I know that he is saying, "Gravy! Gravy! Gravy!" Over and over. Now, in my example, I am just in there to do something else (not to feed the furball). His normal meow is set to "loud" as it is, BUT, if Tony catches my eye - if he SEES that I am looking at him, then he kicks things up to, "GRAVY, GRAVY, GRAVY!" To me, this is the stereotypical stupid American trick of talking to someone who doesn't speak the language. The trick is to simply say the same thing louder. In neither case, stupid-American or Tony, does the talker realize that they are not communicating. Instead, the failure to understand is put on the recipient of the message. So in Tony's mind, he cannot believe how stupid I am that I cannot understand the simple request for GRAVY! Or, if I'm by the entryway, why can't I understand "OUTSIDE!"?

Believe it or not, I haven't scratched the surface yet of how annoying the little guy is. If you corner me sometime and if you have a sympathetic enough face, you can probably get me to break down and give you all the horrible details of what it's like to live with Satan's cat. Please bring tissues and a lint-brush.

Are you playing with yours now?

There is a lot of concern over privacy issues. It seems that as technology becomes more advanced, the threat to privacy becomes greater. Rest assured that this will change in the future. Actually, it will change as a result of one of two possible paths.

The obvious reduction to the threat is the elimination of technology altogether. This would be some global catastrophe (whether man-made or not is moot). That's the boring, predictable, outcome. The one depicted in comic books and bad science fiction movies where haggard old men live in the ruins of once great cities (or under bridges) and guard the "sacred texts" which they have forgotten even how to read. Yawn.

The second path is actually pretty interesting because it seems almost counter-intuitive. Privacy concerns will be reduced as a result of all the access. To understand why, consider an analogy with memory. An important part of our ability to remember is that we can (and must) be able to forget. Actually, we forget way more than we will probably ever remember. This is a blessing. Imagine the alternative. Remembering, in excruciating detail, every piece of sensory input and random thought you've ever had. Imagine that the memory for all that is equally accessible. It would be nearly impossible to sift through memory to find some specific detail. In fact, you would only be adding to the problem because you would also have a memory of your search through memory to add to your memories every time you searched memory!

The technology for my prediction is mostly here already. One pesky little problem stands in the way of a revolution to humankind that will eclipse anything previously (except maybe language itself). The problem has to do with data storage. Once the introduction of very cheap and very vast data storage occurs, the world will change forever.

The invention of all time will make a great deal of current technology obsolete. This invention is simply called, the pder ("pee-der"). It is an acronym of course, which stands for, "Personal Digital Event Recorder." Doesn't really sound like much for what it is, though. Very humble. But here is how it works.

You will carry around a device (on or around your head, like a hat, or headphones at first, but eventually all sorts of variations will emerge). This device records everything. It records everything in high-definition. It also both receives from and sends to other pders.

Everything is recorded everywhere. Not only that, but you can get special devices to interact more effectively with the data collected from your (or another's) pder. For example, the pder-box. Imagine simply receiving a transmission (not for free of course) from the museum. The pder-box generates a virtual image of whatever artifact you want to examine. This image is complete and highly defined. Zoom in to examine every tiny brushstroke of any painting. Rotate and examine ancient sculptures. In some cases, the data may be dense enough to literally turn your pder-box into a macro-micro scope.

Because of the transmission capability, imagine going to see a play. There is no longer a bad seat in the house. You drop down the pder-vision glasses and get a 3D projection of whatever other pder transmission you prefer. For a fee, you can have a front-row seat. Turn your head and the image shifts to match. You will forget you are wearing someone else's eyes.

There will be so much information being transmitted across so many pders that it would be almost impossible to target any one pder with precision. Not that you will have assured privacy, but with so many "channels" to pick from, there won't be many eyes on you.

Of course you can turn on/off the transmit feature of your pder. But, what if you forget? What if you get home and decide to get busy doing something. . . private? Yes, there is a chance someone might be "visiting" you if you are still transmitting. Fear not, though! You simply install a home pder-defeater! Industrial strength versions will certainly be installed in some areas in public as well as paid arenas. After all, you don't want people getting free pay-per-pder!

The commercial opportunities are virtually limitless here. Most electronic entertainment venues as well as communication devices will become pder-compatible. That is to say, cell phones and TVs will become obsolete. Your personal pder will double as your cell phone and TV will be sent to your pder-box. You can go to the theater or concert, etc. but stay home. You will be able to subscribe to all sorts of educational and entertainment delivery systems. Imagine a pder attached to a robot designed to explore the depths of the ocean; search and rescue operations; rove the moon and planets, etc.

Although the technology will have some clunky aspects at first, these problems will be "solved" in good time (workarounds will be developed and sold). The biggest problem will be to develop an efficient search and retrieval tool given the density of information stored.

Someday, then, either we will all be playing with our pders, or, just looking at the pretty pictures in the musty old books under a partially collapsed bridge outside a radioactive city.

The annoyance of bad feet.

Am I annoying? Well, yeah, I guess I can be. I try not to be; and sometimes it can be a real struggle to hold back.

When I was in high school, I ran cross-country track my last two years. Probably at my best, I was only mediocre. After school, I tried to keep up the running because I actually really enjoyed it. There were days when I felt as though I could just keep running forever without getting tired.

The summer after graduation, I was running along the road about 2-3 miles from home when my left knee SUDDENLY (and I mean that literally – there was no warning) felt as though someone was trying to pop it off with an invisible screwdriver.

This effectively ended my running days.

For a while, I tried various tricks. Extra stretching; creams; very tight ace bandage wraps; cutting back on my running; sneaking to a doctor to get an orthotic (specially fitted support insert) for my shoe which I got into trouble for when my parents got THAT bill!

The ace bandage wrap worked the best but it was unreliable because it wouldn’t always stay wrapped. My last run was pretty much a race in which the bandage loosened up and my kneecap wouldn’t let me do more than hobble to the ambulance tracking the last runners.

Particularly annoying were the old guys running past me with their encouraging “Walk it out, kid!” as if I was simply out of breath. They meant well, I guess. But boy did I hate them.

Over the years, I’ve tried working back into running. Never works. After about a mile and a half, I can feel the knee starting to pop. Even the other knee has started acting up. This can be a problem even if I walk too much. No doubt the extra poundage wrapped around my mid-section isn’t helping.

The desire to run is never far from my thoughts, so imagine my hopefulness at hearing a commercial about this place; let’s call it “Great Foot” so I don’t maybe get anyone in trouble. All I had to do was find one of their many stores, stop in without even setting up an appointment, and have a custom analysis of my feet (for free!) followed by a custom selected orthotic support (which of course would not be free)!

Here’s a portion of a press release: “By taking each customer through a personal biomechanical balancing and foot-printing process, arch supports and cushions are custom-fitted to ensure ultimate comfort.”

Wow, huh?!

So, I entered the store and was immediately greeted by, oh, let’s call her Francis.

I have purchased supports from Walmart in the past, but they didn’t do much to help my running. So I was probably starting off a bit skeptical. Nonetheless, I really WANTED to believe that this could work. I would love to run again.

Right away I got the sales pitch (see summarized version above in the press release quote). Then Francis did an amazing demonstration! She had me hold my fists out, one above the other in front of my bellybutton (it’s an innie, so it didn’t get in the way), then she pushed down on them and I lost my balance. She then had me put my hands behind me, did the same push down and I started to fall over backwards.

Yikes! Apparently my feet were a real mess! It was amazing I was able to stay upright! She clearly demonstrated to me that my footing was not stable. This was certainly alarming.

Next, she pulled out this cool platform thingy with paper in it. I was to walk on it once for each foot so that it could create an ink footprint. Cool! Here’s my right foot (I messed up and had to re-do it, so this was my bad step which Francis let me keep).



With all my “data” (that would include verbal information, the footprints, plus the miserably failed balance test), Francis went into the back of the store to figure out the best type of support for my particular foot problems. As she was gone, I started to worry that they wouldn’t be able to find something to fit my particular foot needs. Maybe I would have to place the order and they would send out to the main facility to custom fabricate orthotics to meet my unique arch support system needs. I was getting more and more worried the longer she was gone. I didn’t want to have to come back a week later, I wanted better support NOW!

Imagine my relief when Francis came back with a handful of plastic baggies each containing different types of supports! She smiled and it was clear to me that she was able to cobble together a solution to my problems.

In my relief, I related to Francis my visit to the clinic when I was a teenager. The excruciating wait resulting from having had a model of my foot constructed and then the almost two months before the doctors were able to create my custom orthotic!

Francis smiled wider because she too knows what a wonderful futuristic world we live in today! Where even custom eye-glasses can be cut and fitted to our heads in less than an hour! What a beautiful day this was turning out to be! I hummed a bit as Francis tore each individually wrapped orthotic out of its sterile packaging, then took my sneakers and ripped out the old sole cushions. I wouldn’t be needing those any more!

Actually, Francis was talking through this, and it was only just starting to penetrate what she was saying. Let me summarize the most important point: These inserts cost $285 dollars.

As Francis started pressing the $upport$ into their new homes, I couldn’t help but to wonder as to what specific foot support my particular case warranted the $285 price tag. I examined the crumpled little baggie that had contained my left support. I was prepared to have to memorize had a unique designator label like XKZ-26-L-RW2-64C. Fortunately, it was easy to memorize. The code printed on the baggie was only a few letters long. The code was “LARGE”.

Hmmm. Maybe you are wondering if perhaps it was “XKZ-26-L-RW2-64C – LARGE”? No, it was simply, “LARGE” on the wrapper.

Fine. Whatever. The $285 cost at least got me to thinking that maybe they would still be better than the ones I got at Walmart. (Coincidently, the code on the ones I got from Walmart were the same as the ones at Great Foot: “LARGE”.)

Francis gave me my shoes and had me put them on. Time for a re-visit of the balancing test. With my hands in front again, Francis was unable to tip me over (she even gave a little grunt of effort so that I knew she was really trying to tip my balance). Even with my hands behind my back, she was unable to tip me over (she did the little “effort-grunt” again, by the way). I was standing on a bedrock of arch supports.

Here is where I began to struggle with the annoying part of me. Even my wife could see my struggle. Both asked what was the matter (with that tone in their voices that made me think they believed I was late for an appointment in the bathroom).

I said, “Nothing” but my wife wouldn’t let it alone (another reason why I love her). So I suggested that perhaps this “balance test” was biased. That is, maybe the salesperson was helping me with the outcomes of each test. Francis was clearly shocked at the idea. This made me feel bad for seeming to doubt her. She had been very nice and helpful. I quickly explained that I didn’t think it was deliberate! This sort of thing happens all the time in research, which is why the good researchers use blind (or “double-blind”) procedures. Unconscious bias can affect test outcomes.

Wanting to end the matter, I again tried to pass it off as a side-effect of my being an idiot. However, the damage had been done. I had thrown down a gauntlet and Francis was ready to do battle. She insisted on the blind test. So, ok. I told her we would do two tests - one with and one without the supports, only she would not know when they were in or not for the balancing tests. For the first test, I decided to leave them in.

After a while of feeling guilty for being annoying, we called Francis back in and I stood up for the test. With hands in front, she pushed (no effort grunt) and I started to tip over. This was NOT what I wanted. Although, I was skeptical about the demonstration, I would have been glad to spend the money on supports if it meant I might be able to run again. This little tip instantly crushed my dreams. Francis, on the other hand, smiled and said, “I think I know that the supports are out of your shoes!”

We did the behind-my-back test and I tipped over even quicker. With obvious confidence in the test, Francis stated that I was NOT wearing the supports.

Now, I was feeling pretty bad already now that I had lost faith in the supports. I wasn’t looking forward to being a real ass and showing her that I still had them on. She was really shocked to see them in my shoes. Right away, she proposed the hypothesis that I must not have had them in correctly. If they are out of position by even the littlest smidge, they are apparently worthless.

Well, if that were true, they were REALLY not going to be very helpful. They had felt ok in my shoes, and if I can’t tell whether they are fitting correctly or not, why buy them? I decided to terminate the study (no second test) to avoid further turmoil. We left with the, “We should really check with the doctor first to see if our insurance might be useful” excuse.

I’d like to think that maybe Francis has been given some food for thought regarding the validity of her test, but I’m skeptical. She was pretty quick to come up with an excuse to protect her belief in the validity of the test. So, I imagine her using the same routine on her customers still. Only I doubt that she would allow anyone to test her again.

Sometimes being annoying can save you money and might even be educational to others (if they are open-minded enough to learn from it). But, it's still annoying to have the foot problem.

The MONTY PAUL Dilemma: How to get a free "six-pack" of Dr. Paul's favorite beer

Exhibit A

On Tuesday, April 15, 2008 I attended a lecture by Arie Maharshak that presented some research he had done with David Pundak. There were three things that got my mind whirring (my wife would say it was “clanking”). First, and among other things, Arie reviewed the Monty Hall dilemma, which I will describe in a moment. Second, how well attended the presentation was by faculty and administrators, including our president! And finally, the conspicuous absence of students.

There are approximately 4500 students at Robert Morris University. None of which found the time to attend the Rooney Scholar lecture. By the way, there was a fantastic spread of delicious snacks, all free for the gobbling, but no students. Why? I have a few thoughts, but first, the Monty Hall dilemma.

There are lots of website discussions and simulations about this puzzle on the web, so I invite the reader to go find some and play around if you do not believe (or understand) my telling. Essentially, it goes like this: Imagine three doors, each leading to a free prize. However, only one prize behind one of the three doors is worthwhile (e.g., a six-pack of Dr. Paul’s favorite beer). The other two doors each hide something worthless (e.g., empty bottles of Dr. Paul’s favorite beer). You get to pick one of the doors. Let’s say you select door number three. Now, before that door is opened, I show you that behind door number one, there is a worthless prize (empty bottle). Now, here is the puzzle: If you like, you may switch your choice to door number two, or you can keep your original door number three. Is it a good idea to switch, a bad idea to switch, or does it matter?

The answer is that you should switch. Door number two is twice as likely to hide the prize than door number three.

All this writing is making me thirsty. There is now only five bottles left of Dr. Paul’s six-pack of favorite beer. Sorry.

Exhibit B

Over the years, I have asked students to write little papers for class. Unfortunately, it seems that the educational value of this sort of assignment has diminished. Instead of doing what I’d hoped; actually putting some thought into the paper topic, students have turned the assignments into scavenger hunts. They pop onto the internet, locate a search engine, type in a few key words, skim some resulting pages for choice paragraphs or sentences to cut and paste into “their” paper. Of course, I do not mean to lump all students into this characterization. So, those of you reading this who actually follow through as intended, nice job!

To combat this plagiaristic trend, I have modified my paper assignments so that they require only self-reflection, personal opinion, and/or basic brainpower. Despite that, I still get scavenger hunt students who turn in papers plagiarized from the internet. Some students, if they cannot find information about the topic on the internet, simply give up! All that they needed to do was spend the same amount of time they wasted searching the internet just thinking about the topic. However, because the internet knew nothing about the topic, neither did the student.

Hm! I see that I’ve downed another bottle and I don’t even recall opening that second one! Ok, a four-pack is better than nothing, right?

Exhibit A

One of the points of Arie’s talk was that students (people, really) tended to rely on naïve intuition to understand the world. Or, put another way, we tend to be lazy thinkers who prefer to derive speedy answers to questions rather than try to think through them using scientific reasoning.

This is, of course, an over-simplification of Dr. Maharshak’s talk. However, in that, there is another point to be made: We prefer over-simplification to complex answers. The trend and general advice is to try to present “sound bite” education. Keep the students’ attention! Entertain! Keep It Simple Stupid! I’ve had students who defended their poor grades by explaining that the class was too “boring” for them to do well in.

As it turned out, though, as much of the attention was focused on student thinking (or lack thereof) I was a bit surprised when the president of the university made a comment. He was referring to a semi-popular book (Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking by Malcolm Gladwell), in which it appears that intuitive thinking among those with plenty of life -or business- experience is actually pretty good. This point was reinforced by an administrator from the nursing program who claimed that research has shown that seasoned doctors are able to intuit diagnoses with great accuracy (i.e., the “educated guess” effect).

So, what was the point of these comments? To me, they seemed to defend the use of intuition. Or, at least attempt to put “intuition” into a more favorable light by indicating that, under the right conditions, a “lazy” (my bias) approach to thinking might actually be ok.

An obvious fallacy here, and one that seems to illustrate the trouble educators have in trying to bring critical thinking to the masses, is that there is no guideline for when a person has enough experience and knowledge to be able to justify an intuitive approach to thinking. Any defense of lazy thinking reinforces the whole line of thinkers, from novice to experienced, to simply rely on their gut. Lazy thinking wins again!

To make matters worse, because of other biases in thinking (such as the confirmation bias), people are much less likely to seek out anything but confirmatory evidence for their beliefs. They will even go so far as to ignore, outright reject, reinterpret, or even overlook evidence that conflicts with their view.

So, when a seasoned doctor uses intuition to make a diagnosis, or a cigar-saturated CEO makes an important business decision, they may be much less willing to consider additional sources of evidence… especially evidence that might be contrary to their gut reasoning.

People should always strive to make use of the best information available. Sometimes the best we have is intuition. In which case, gamble with the experts. However, unless time is critical, it is rare that intuition is the best information from which to work. So, beware the person who contrives to waste time so that intuition is the only viable option left!

So, how to get my beers? Learn and practice systematic thinking strategies. Familiarize yourself with the “scientific method” and challenge your thinking. It’s better to point to the data as an excuse for failure than everyone pointing at you and your stupid gut. So, to start, work out an explanation for my variation to the Monty Hall puzzle described below. With my apologies to the scavengers, I’ve done my best to come up with a variation that is NOT to be found elsewhere on the web. Please think about it.

I just burped. That bottle went down too fast! There’s not a lot of things more gross than a beer burp. Clearly I cannot give away three beers. That would be an odd number. So, let’s just make it two bottles, ok?

Exhibit C: The Monty Paul Dilemma

Imagine four doors (A, B, C, D). Each door hides a prize. Only one prize is worthwhile (beer). The other doors hide crappy prizes (empty bottles).

You now select a door, let’s go with “D”.

Before I open the door, I show you that door “B” had an empty bottle behind it.

This means that three doors remain (A, C, and your choice: D).

Question: Is it worth your while to switch (i.e., pick either Door-A or Door-C), is it a bad idea to switch (i.e., you should keep Door-D), or does it matter?

Ultimately, it isn't a matter of having to learn anything new so much as making a choice to try. Reason it out. List what you know, list what you don't know but could learn, and list the stuff that is irrelevant but distracting. Those last few items are your gut talking. Ignore the gut, at least for now.

I have one bottle of my favorite beer left! I promise I will not drink it. In fact, I will keep it chilled in my little office refrigerator until someone comes to claim the prize with a correct answer (with defense) to this dilemma.

Professor Holds Students Hostage: Forces Class Participation

Authorities were notified Wednesday that Professor P., a faculty member in the psychology department at a small private university in Pennsylvania, actually attempted to force his students to participate in class activities. Some witnesses reported that Dr. P. even attempted to get some students to answer a question out loud during lecture.

“I wasn’t really scared,” stated Melissa T., a student of Dr. P’s, “That is, not until he tried to make eye contact with me after asking a question about the chapter we were supposed to have read. Then things really started to get out of control. It was like he expected us to have really read it!”

Other victims from the class reported similar odd behaviors from Dr. P. as the early calm of class quickly turned into the ugly hostage crisis.

“I paid a lot of money for this course,” said Scott M. “If I want to talk to my friend about alcohol and sports during class, that’s my right! I’ll pay better attention as soon as the class gets interesting. As I see it, there’s no point in learning something if it isn’t interesting.” Other victims of Dr. P.’s class agreed.

“What’s the big deal if I’m texting my friends during class?” asked James D. “That’s no reason for the professor to pick on me! He should just mind his own business during class and try not to bother the students while he’s lecturing.”

Probably the most stunning report from among the hostages came from Jocelyn G. who was in the room almost by mistake. Apparently, a “friend” had tricked her into taking Dr. P. “It was, like, the worst experience of my life!” Jocelyn explained. “College isn’t about students talking to professors; it’s about the professors talking to the students! Dr. P. was acting all like, ‘you guys need to put some effort into learning this material’ but it’s like he’s the one getting paid to teach us! The whole idea of tuition is that the students are paying the professors to teach. I wouldn’t hire a car mechanic and then expect to fix the car myself!”

Many of the hostage victims reported similar views, but what may be the saddest tale came from poor Nicole A. who was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. “Normally, like, I skip this class, but, like, today my dorm room was just too cold to sleep in, so, like, I decided to see if I could take a nap during the lecture. I’ve done it, like, many times before, so I never suspected that the day would turn out this way! There wasn’t more than fifteen minutes of good nap time the whole fifty minutes we were in there!”

Fortunately, students were able to “talk Dr. P. down” at about 1:49pm after a heroic attempt was made to locate a copy of the course syllabus. The hostages were able to remind Dr. P. that he had office hours starting at 2:00pm.

Campus authorities finally caught up to Dr. P. in his office a few hours later. They were relieved to find that he was alone. The fear had been that students seeking extra help outside of class might have been in danger of being required to think while in Dr. P.’s office. However, the security team had no reason to worry. As usual, Dr. P. was left alone the entire one hundred and fifty minutes of his scheduled office hours. Police report that when they asked Dr. P. why he was still in his office even after his official office hours had elapsed, he naively replied, “In case students need help, but couldn’t make my posted hours.”

Professor B., who has an office next to Dr. P., provided this insightful comment regarding the possible cause of Dr. P's breakdown: "He was probably unable to accept the paradox that most students today don't come to college to learn. They come here to get their degrees."

Calls to Dr. P. for his side of this bizarre story were not made. Although his contact information is on the course syllabus. The only student who had kept a copy of the syllabus had to drive home early because her roommate’s grandmother had a sick neighbor.

The boy who cried "Small aquatic bird of the Anatidae family!” (instead of “Duck!”)

Ok, I just figured out that I fell for an internet hoax. Damn! I hate that I did that. At least it wasn’t the one where I send thousands of dollars to Nigeria, or that one where I cash checks for people. Actually, it’s just the one where I thought I could turn Mountain Dew into glow-in-the-dark juice. No real harm done to my wallet, just some loss of self-respect.

This month’s blahg is about something that crossed my mind recently. I’ve been noticing a few things. For example, I was at an all-day faculty event that killed a Friday (so my class got cancelled which instantly put me behind by one day). Anyway, I was trying to tell someone about a gift idea and was almost immediately not taken seriously. At another meeting, I made a suggestion which was brought up later in the conversation and credited to someone else. But at the end of the meeting, I was teased for not having made any more contribution to the group than a joke or two.

Now, am I being a whiny-butt? No. In fact, it makes sense to me. Most of my interactions in these sorts of settings is driven by my insecurity. That is, I really don’t feel comfortable in groups and really hate having to talk. So, two things happen. One, I start feeling worse because I’m being so quiet, which makes me feel like I have to say SOMETHING – anything! Second, my coping mechanisms kick-in.

When I was in high school, I never EVER talked in class unless I was directly called on. My response to being called on was to turn bright red, slouch in my chair, look down, and mumble. Most of the time that got the heat off me. When I eventually got into graduate school (having done my best to navigate through college by taking classes that minimized any class presence) I found out that I’d have to give hour-long presentations to faculty and students. They were pretty awful. Find one of my graduate-student brothers or sisters and they’ll confirm that.

I needed a way to cope with the stress and I quickly learned (through observation – I wasn’t the only person who dreaded these presentations) that being uncomfortable in front of people only made a presenter look worse! So, from then on, 98 percent of my attention was directed toward NOT appearing nervous. What is the opposite of nervous? Well, you might think “calmness” but I wasn’t able to pull that off. Instead, I noticed that people who were calm tended to feel comfortable joking around. When people in the audience laughed, you could see that everyone was everyone’s friend. That helped reduce anxiety! So, over time, I worked at using some of that 98 percent to find humor; get the audience “on my side” in a way. That was over 15 years ago. So, now I can use more than 2 percent of my energy to focus on content (probably close to 60 percent).

Now, do I think that I am funny? Not so much. Actually, most of the jokes I make nowadays are to make ME laugh (if others laugh, great). To be honest, I think my sister has a way better sense of humor than I do. She can make any story hilarious if she wants to. She could be making more money as a humorist than a teacher.

OK, so back to ME.

Do I really really really care if I’m taken seriously or not? Maybe a little. Can I change my department meeting persona to one of less humor? Yeah. Probably. Will I? No. Why? Those things are too boring and of too little real substance and rarely important at all. Plus, I still get nervous talking in groups. What would my coping strategy be? (A) Turning bright red, slouching in my chair, looking down, and mumbling. Or (2) Finding something funny about the moment so the next moment is less painful? Yeah… sorry about that bump on the head… (Ok, that was a vague reference [“call-back”] to the blahg title. It made ME laugh, anyway…)

OBEY!

It’s the end of a year. Again. They keep coming (and ending). I suppose I shouldn’t complain, right? But… well, what’s up with this bald spot I’m growing? Oh, yeah, and that belly that’s getting bigger… AND, since we’re on the topic of complaints, why is the distance I need to see things clearly starting to change too?

I’ve noticed that in the past six-or-so years, I was getting pretty nostalgic. My thoughts would often wander back to my younger days. (See my June 2007 entry, for example!) I’d start to play that, “what if” game where I try to imagine “what if” I’d made different decisions in my life. For instance, what if I’d accepted that faculty position right out of graduate school. I’d probably still be living in Charleston! What students would I have bored with my lectures? I’d probably have been a full professor for years by now! What friends would I have had? Would the weather have ruined my house? You get the idea.

These past few months, though, I’ve not been so reminiscent. Maybe because I had my worst semester EVER. Or, maybe I (finally) got bored with that going-nowhere game. I’m looking more toward the future for now.

But, enough of this “dear diary” dribble!

I’ve been getting swept up by my “psychology of belief” interests lately. This coming semester I’ll be teaching a course on this topic (I’ve been toiling away making dowsing rods for my students to use – and keep – to illustrate aspects of belief formation). It’s been two years since the last time I started this course. I got REALLY burned out on the topic AND the apparent futility of it all.

It’s fascinating to see how cleverly people hold on to stupid beliefs, inconsistent beliefs, clearly-wrong beliefs, and bad beliefs. Hell, people are even pretty good at exchanging perfectly good beliefs for terrible beliefs if the idiotic beliefs are presented just the right way!

It burns me out to see how easily human thinking careens out of control (yes, even my OWN thinking – I’m not trying to climb any damn pedestals).

Imagine being a driving instructor. You tell the new student to turn left at the next intersection. “Watch out for that truck!” The student turns and avoids the truck. “OK, go straight through the next light and then take the right turn at the stop sign, but watch out for that bus!” The student seems to follow all your instructions just fine. Eventually, you end up back at the driving school. “Watch out for that motorcycle!” They watch out and park just fine. Yippie, a new driver!

After they pocket their shiny new license, you watch them drive away – and immediately crash into oncoming traffic. How depressing.

Anyway… maybe this semester will be different? Maybe this time I will do something right and actually reach a few more?

Dulcet drips of tenacious time

The year’s end draws closer and I missed my second chance to get a photo of the banner that was hung in Coraopolis this month. It was there last year (for the first time, I think), but I missed that photo-op as well. The Pittsburgh Veterans take a trip to the WWII memorial in DC close to veteran’s day. A very nice idea. The slogan, however, leaves something to be desired in my book.

Here are two links about the “project”:

(1) Pittsburgh WWII Veterans Memorial Trip homepage

(2) Post-Gazette Article from last year

It’s bad enough that I ruminate so much about mortality as it is. I can only imagine what it will be like when I hit my 80’s (assuming I get that far). In fact, I don’t even like those life insurance commercials that try to guilt me into buying or upping my insurance as soon as possible so that my loved ones will enjoy greater comfort once I’m gone! There’s too much of a sense of URGENCY to those commercials. It takes me back to when I was a kid and I thought people in the TV could see me, or knew about me. Remember the birthday list on Romper Room!? Well, when I see that guy dressed in his ready-to-go-to-my-funeral-suit telling me that I could go AT ANY TIME, my paranoia thoughts start churning, “Is he talking to ME? Does he know something I should know?” You get the idea.

So, to think that someday someone might start a slogan to get ME to do something or see something or go somewhere or whatever, (BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE!) makes me a bit uncomfortable. That sounds like a fun bus-trip, for sure. Every time I’d look up at the guy in the seat next to mine, I’d wonder, “Hey, that guy looks pretty old; wonder how much longer he’s got?” Of course, that guy’s looking my way and is probably thinking very similar thoughts about my raggedy face.

My neighbor is a WWII veteran (Leo). He loves to tell his war stories. He jumped out of airplanes as a member of the 101^st Airborne. Also known as the “Screaming Eagles”. Leo loves to tell his war stories, and Leo was well decorated. In addition to his love of telling war stories, he has a Screaming Eagles baseball cap and it’s decorated with miniatures of his medals (including the Purple Heart). He loves to tell his war stories. Whenever he is in public, the cap goes with him. You can rest assured, Leo will be telling some war stories. I’ve never seen him wear the cap and be ignored. There’s always someone who comments on it, or, thanks him for his service. And Leo is ready with stories to tell. Leo really loves to tell his war stories.

Leo lives right next door with his sister Anne, and they have become like family to us. It’s a nice feeling to see them there, and it’s a comfort to us that we can count on them to check in on our dogs if we need them to do so. I really think that Leo (and maybe his sister) would appreciate a trip to the memorial. We’ll have to set it up for them next year.

Before it’s too late.