Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Phabulously Phlavorful Flegm: The Conspiracy!

I thought I was doing well. I thought I was keeping my fingers out of my mouth, eyes, and nose (at least until after I washed them). I thought I was covering my mouth and holding my breath whenever a student snarkelflarted in my vicinity. Alas, no. Somewhere, somehow, from someone I was phlegmed.

The past week I went from breathing clearly to gurgling and wheezing out of 3/7 of the holes in my head.

If “they” can’t cure the cold, at least someone could come up with a way to make the disgusting parts more tolerable. A simple phlegm-flavoring shot, for example. Wouldn’t it be easy enough to find a way to inject (or swallow) a chemical into our system that would convert snot-flavored phlegm into, say, strawberry-flavored phlegm?

Frankly, I cannot believe that the technology isn’t already available. Somewhere, there’s a government or big-industry person walking around with a cold and periodically swallowing a backflow of booger-drainage that tastes as sweet as fresh picked strawberries; Or cherries; Or chocolate.

Why are they keeping this from the masses? Well THAT’S obvious! It’s for exactly the SAME damn reason that we don’t have “fart scenting patches” to stick on our skin somewhere. That’s right, “fart-scenters” convert the foul poopie flatulence smells we normally make into flower-fresh scents that would drive women crazy! OK, if you’re not the flowery type, how about other pleasant smells like chocolate chip cookie dough? Or pizza? You get the idea.

Yes, that’s two fantastic ideas in one blog entry. “Tasty-phlegms” and “Fart-scenters” should have been placed into widespread use years ago. Why haven’t they?

Consider: Imagine meeting your future in-laws (or fill in a suitable visitation scenario on your own) for the very first time. As you are walking into their house you catch that playful whiff of PIZZA! With delight, your eyes widen and a big saliva smile wraps around the words, “MMmmm, is that PIZZA I smell? I love pizza! If I was to be stranded on an island and could only have one thing to eat there for the rest of my life, pizza it would be!”

Here is where you notice that your future mother-in-law has started to blush and avoid eye-contact. There’s an uncomfortable silence filling air already thick with pizza-smells. It finally dawns on you that “someone” has been using the patch!

For the rest of your life, whenever you go into a pizza joint (or wherever there’s legitimate pizza going on) you’ll think back to how you almost got married and how good your almost-mother-in-law’s farts smelled. In fact, you’ll never be sure again if it’s really pizza that you’re smelling. Perhaps it might even happen that whenever you smell pizza, your lips will curl in disgust as you choke back a dry-heave.

Who’s going to allow THAT to happen to an American dining staple? Would you eat a cookie that smelled like poop? Well how about a chocolate-chip cookie that smelled exactly like a chocolate-chip cookie fart thanks to “Fart-scenters?”

So, the same would be true of “Phlegm-flavors.” Would you open a jar of phlegm and spread it on toast? No? OK, then how about a jar of strawberry jam that tastes like phlegm? No? How about strawberry jam that tasted exactly like strawberry jam that tasted like strawberry flavored phlegm? If you swallowed something that TASTED like strawberries, wouldn’t you wonder, “Hey, did I just swallow someone’s strawberry flavored phlegm instead of strawberry flavored strawberries?”

The food industries would oppose our flavoring and scenting of these nasty, disgusting excretions.

Besides, what would ever taste or smell good to us again if these phabulous products really did hit the shelves one day?

We should all just be thankful that our flegm and pharts have the phlavors and perphumes they have. Be thankful that the government suppresses some technologies for our own good.